


Not Yet, Please Don’t Leave Me

by bb_bambam



Category: GOT7, JJ Project
Genre: Angst, Declarations Of Love, Fluff and Angst, Future Fic, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Reminiscing, inspired by jaebum saying he would want to have his last meal with jinyoung, last meal, takes place in 2021 when they're about to enlist
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-24
Updated: 2019-03-24
Packaged: 2019-11-29 10:51:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,505
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18222152
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bb_bambam/pseuds/bb_bambam
Summary: "And this is their tragedy, because when they’re without each other, the world collapses around them, but to be together, they would have to tear the world down themselves."Jinyoung and Jaebeom have a last meal together and talk about the things in their hearts.





	Not Yet, Please Don’t Leave Me

The night before he and Jinyoung are set to officially enlist, Jaebeom finds himself in Jinyoung's apartment, sitting across from Jinyoung at the kitchen table, feeling a profound sense of déjà vu. It’s like they’re seventeen again, living together for the first time, getting to know each other better in preparation for their debut - the first one, when it was just the two of them, before they became the pseudo-parents of the five most important people in their lives.

Earlier in the day, they had eaten lunch with the other members, and the goodbyes had been difficult - not a single one of them had managed to hold back their tears. Once they had parted ways, Jaebeom gave Jinyoung a ride back to Jinyoung's place, and it hardly came as a surprise when he was invited in.

They spent a few hours video chatting with Jaebeom’s parents, checking in on the cats Jaebeom won’t be able to see for the next two years, and it’s a sign of how connected their lives are that Jinyoung had seemed equally upset about not seeing them either. And as the afternoon gave way to evening, Jaebeom had asked what Jinyoung wanted to eat, to which Jinyoung had replied with a cheeky little smile that he would eat anything as long as Jaebeom was the one who made it.

So here they are at the table, Jinyoung eating his favorite dish eagerly and Jaebeom watching him, his chest warm, and it’s fitting that it’s just the two of them again, because they started out together all those years ago, and now they’re coming to an end of sorts together, too.

Moments like this are the ones Jaebeom appreciates most, where he can quietly admire Jinyoung’s effortless beauty in a hoodie that probably once belonged to Jaebeom, his hair falling messily across his forehead. Jaebeom’s heart clenches as he remembers that starting from tomorrow, he won’t get moments like this anymore, not for a long time. He’s glad he at least gets to have this one.

They keep the conversation light, but when both their plates are empty, Jinyoung puts his chopsticks down and looks Jaebeom in the eyes. “Okay, what is it?”

“What?” Jaebeom asks, feigning ignorance.

“You have something to say,” Jinyoung says matter-of-factly, “but you don’t know how to bring it up, so you’ve been waiting for me to say something instead.”

“You know me too well,” Jaebeom says, laughing a little at Jinyoung’s impeccable accuracy. “I’m just remembering how I wanted my last meal to be with you. It came true.”

“Don’t be so dramatic, Jaebeommie,” Jinyoung says, rolling his eyes good-naturedly. “This isn’t our last meal.”

“It is, in a way,” Jaebeom insists. “We aren’t going to see each other for a long time after this.”

“But we _will_ see each other again,” Jinyoung points out. “That’s the important part.”

“Yeah,” Jaebeom says, but he can’t stop himself from drinking in every detail of Jinyoung’s face like it really _is_ the last time he’ll get the chance to do so. “But you know why I wanted to be with you over anyone else.”

“You wanted to talk about the things in our hearts,” Jinyoung says without hesitation. “I remember. But is that - do you really think _now_ is the right time for this? Just when we’re about to go our separate ways?” And even though Jaebeom knows it isn’t going to be a permanent split, he really hates the sound of that. _We’re about to go our separate ways_.

“I think we’d both go crazy if we left for the next two years without having this conversation,” Jaebeom says quietly. “There are a lot of things to say. Things we haven’t said.”

“Because we didn’t need to,” Jinyoung says, his voice equally low, leaning closer like he’s imploring Jaebeom to understand.

And Jaebeom does understand. The easier thing to do would be to not have this conversation because without it, nothing has to change. They can go on with the rest of their lives pretending that their friendship is strong and deep and special and incomparable and every word they’ve ever used to try to describe it, and nothing more than that. They can move on without acknowledging that maybe not needing words to know exactly what the other is thinking and falling asleep in each other’s arms countless times and wearing each other’s clothes for comfort and knowing each other intimately in almost every conceivable way _means_ something.

But just because it’s the easier choice doesn’t mean it’s the right one.

“We didn’t,” Jaebeom agrees. “But I think we should anyway.”

“Okay,” Jinyoung says, sitting up straighter like he’s preparing himself. “What should we talk about, then?”

“Anything,” Jaebeom says. He knows Jinyoung isn’t asking because he doesn’t know the answer - he does, perfectly well, but he’s not quite ready to go there just yet - which is good, because neither is Jaebeom. “Everything, good or bad. Let’s just be honest.”

“We’ve always been honest with each other,” Jinyoung says. “Haven’t we?”

“Of course,” Jaebeom says, and it’s not untrue. Technically, keeping silent about the truth isn’t the same as lying. “But I don’t know, maybe there are things you wanted to complain about that you kept to yourself?”

Jinyoung is quiet for a few moments. “Do you have any complaints about me?” he asks at last.

“No,” Jaebeom says readily, because the truth is that Jinyoung is one aspect of his life - maybe the _only_ one - that he feels in perfect harmony with. He supposes he could bring up the familiar dull ache in his mind and in his heart that always accompanies him when he’s in Jinyoung’s presence, but that isn’t Jinyoung’s fault, and anyway, Jaebeom is used to the sensation by now. It was sharper once, back when he was struggling to come to terms with what it meant, but now it’s more mellow, faded, existing faintly in the background as a reminder of the feelings he’s not supposed to have, but can’t help having anyway.

“There has to be something,” Jinyoung says, his voice uncharacteristically small, and Jaebeom immediately knows why he’s being so insistent - unlike Jaebeom, he _does_ have something to say, but he doesn’t want it to be one-sided.

“Just say it,” Jaebeom encourages him. “I won’t be mad.”

“I know you won’t,” Jinyoung says, “but you’ll be hurt. Which is worse.”

Jaebeom can’t help himself - he reaches out and lays his hand on top of Jinyoung’s where it’s resting on the table, squeezing reassuringly. “Jinyoungie,” he says gently. “Tell me. It’s okay.”

“I don’t want to make you feel guilty,” Jinyoung says, clearly trying to stall. “Because I _know_ you will, and that’s not the point of me telling you.”

By now, Jaebeom is morbidly curious, and he isn’t going to let Jinyoung off that easily. “Jinyoung, if it really bothers you this much, then I’d much rather feel guilty because I know what the problem is than feel guilty for doing something _and_ for not even knowing what I did.”

Jinyoung meets his eyes, and Jaebeom feels his breath catch at the intensity of the emotions he finds in Jinyoung’s gaze. He doesn’t let go of Jinyoung’s hand and Jinyoung doesn’t try to make him. “I said I didn’t want to do a unit without you,” Jinyoung finally says. “Remember that?” Jaebeom nods, because how could he forget? “And I meant it.”

“I know,” Jaebeom says, because he’s never thought for a second that Jinyoung said it all those years ago with anything less than wholehearted sincerity.

“Do you?” Jinyoung asks, and there’s an unexpected edge to his voice that stabs Jaebeom right in the gut. He hadn’t anticipated how much it would hurt to be on the receiving end of Jinyoung’s doubt - Jinyoung, who has scolded him and teased him and gotten angry with him but has never, ever doubted him.

“Of course,” Jaebeom insists, but for once it feels like he and Jinyoung aren’t on the same page, like they’re talking about different things.

Jinyoung just looks at him for a few moments before letting out a wry laugh. “I guess I just thought it would be the same for you,” he says.

And suddenly Jaebeom knows what he means, why he’s trying to hide his hurt. “Jinyoung, I -”

“I felt like such a bad person,” Jinyoung presses on, like now that he’s started talking about it, he can’t stop. “I was so happy for you and Yugyeom, I really was. But I - I was angry, too.” He stops, considering. “No, actually. Not angry. Not even betrayed, really. Just...sad, I guess.” Jinyoung’s gaze meets Jaebeom’s, and Jaebeom hates that he’s the one who put that look of quiet pain there. “How selfish do you have to be to get upset about something like that?”

“You aren’t,” Jaebeom says numbly, wondering how he could have missed that Jinyoung has felt this way for years. Because Jinyoung is many things, but selfish has never been one of them.

“I am,” Jinyoung says dismissively, like there’s no doubt in his mind that it’s true. “I know the album and tour were good for all of us, and you were so happy and I was _so_ _proud_ of both of you, but _still_ \- part of me didn’t _like_ that you were in a unit with someone else.” He pauses for a moment and inhales, like he’s afraid to go on, but then he continues, his voice smaller. “And I - it’s stupid, but you two were just, I don’t know, so much more successful. And I felt like maybe JJ Project wasn’t enough. Like _I_ wasn’t enough.”

Jaebeom is stunned by that, because it’s unthinkable that Jinyoung - _Jinyoung_ , who’s always full of confidence and _knows_ that he has a place in Jaebeom’s life that no one else can possibly compare to - could ever think that he wasn’t enough. “You - you’re enough, Jinyoung. You’re _more_ than enough,” he says, stumbling over his words in his haste to say them. “Of course you’re more than enough, you always have been and you always will be. You’re everything, you _know_ that.”

“For you,” Jinyoung says quietly, and Jaebeom is horrified to see Jinyoung’s eyes glistening a little. “I’m not talking about you, hyung. I know - I know what I am to you. I was surprised Yugyeom could stand it, how much you talked about me and JJ Project. I contemplated giving you a good scolding for neglecting the poor kid, actually.” His tone momentarily becomes more playful, his usual personality shining through, and Jaebeom thinks he would let Jinyoung tease him every day for the rest of his life if it meant Jinyoung would never feel insecure again.

“I missed you,” Jaebeom says honestly, but it doesn’t capture the half of it, doesn’t even begin to touch on the strange and profound sense of imbalance Jaebeom had felt while promoting without Jinyoung for the first time ever. He loves Yugyeom with all his heart, of course, but Jinyoung is and always has been different, and Yugyeom knew that going in.

“I know,” Jinyoung says with a little half-smile. “I guess this isn’t really a complaint about you after all, then. It’s just a complaint in general. I just...when I look the reaction to both units and how you’re in both of them, it kind of feels like, well, _I_ was the reason the two of us didn’t do as well.”

“I - Jinyoungie, of course you weren’t,” Jaebeom says, his voice cracking. _I_ _did this_ , he thinks, because as much as Jinyoung might say otherwise, this is on him too, for not seeing that Jinyoung was hurting all this time. And he hates it, hates that he helped make one of the people he cares about most in the world feel like this. “God, I - _I’m so sorry_.”

“See? This is exactly what I didn’t want,” Jinyoung sighs, trying to pull his hand out of Jaebeom’s; Jaebeom doesn’t let him, holding on even more tightly. “You’re blaming yourself for something that isn’t your fault. You can’t control what the fans like more.”

“I know that. But I’m blaming myself for not realizing how you felt,” Jaebeom tells him, smiling sadly. “I should have seen it. We were all busy, but that isn’t an excuse.” _I’m supposed to know you better than anyone_ , he thinks. _Why didn’t I know this_?

“You didn’t know because I didn’t _want_ you to know,” Jinyoung says plainly, like he’s reading Jaebeom’s mind. “I was really excited for you, and of course I didn’t want to ruin it for Yugyeommie. So obviously I wasn’t going to tell anyone.” He smiles a little dejectedly. “But it still hurt. I just - I guess I wanted JJ Project to be _it_ for you, the way it was - _is_ \- for me.”

Jaebeom can hear the frustration - at the situation and at himself - seeping into Jinyoung’s words, and his heart aches. “JJ Project _is_ it for me,” he says firmly. “It always has been. That’s my beginning, my _home_. I told you, didn’t I? JJ Project forever. _Always_.” He looks at Jinyoung intently, wanting him to understand. “But we were all doing individual activities and I thought it would be good for me to start getting used to...you know...” He trails off, unsure of how to articulately phrase what he’s trying to say.

“Used to what?” Jinyoung asks carefully.

“To doing things without you,” Jaebeom says softly. Jinyoung gapes at him, apparently rendered speechless, so Jaebeom elaborates further. “We’ve spent almost half our lives together. I don’t even - I genuinely can’t remember what it’s like to live without you.” And that’s always been scary to think about, but it’s even scarier now that it’s out in the open, no longer a private thought.

“But you want to?” Jinyoung asks quietly. It stings to hear the resignation in his voice.

“I _have_ to,” Jaebeom says slowly. “Don’t I?”

There’s a long stretch of silence as Jaebeom’s words hang over them. “I don’t want you to,” Jinyoung says at last, and Jaebeom feels it in his chest, because he doesn’t want to either. “It scares me how much I don’t want you to live without me. How much I don’t want to live without you.”

Jaebeom knows he was the one to point out that they need to say these things to each other, but now he can’t bear to hear them being said. “It scares me too,” he admits. “It’s always scared me.” He swallows and looks Jinyoung in the eyes. “Everything you make me feel scares me.”

And the air feels heavier, because they’ve finally reached the point where they can no longer ignore what they’ve spent the last twelve years dancing around. Because _this_ is what they really need to talk about, what they’ve probably needed to talk about since the first time Jinyoung’s smile made Jaebeom’s heart stutter in his chest.

“Hyung,” Jinyoung sighs, leaning closer across the table.

“Jinyoung...this something between us, these feelings,” Jaebeom starts cautiously. “We couldn’t - there’s a _reason_ we never said anything to each other before. Right?” It feels a little ridiculous to ask when they both know the answer, but the situation feels too delicate to not be absolutely sure.

“Yes,” Jinyoung says, and Jaebeom’s heart clenches. “But I’ve always wanted to. There are times I see you smiling or playing with the cats or messing with the others or singing your heart out, and I feel like I could throw everything away and not regret it for a second because I’d have what I really want.” It’s one thing to suspect it, but hearing Jinyoung say something like that, tangible proof that they’ve both been experiencing the same emotions through all these years, leaves Jaebeom breathless. It only lasts a moment, though, because Jinyoung sighs and keeps talking. “It hurts, but it’s better than when I used to think I didn’t have a chance at all.”

“Why would you think that?” Jaebeom asks tentatively, but he thinks he can guess the answer.

Sure enough, Jinyoung eyes him pointedly. “You know what you’ve said. You know why I couldn’t consider you feeling the same way as a possibility, because I was more afraid that you wouldn’t even accept me as a person.”

And Jaebeom remembers perfectly well, remembers the offhand comment he made in front of the cameras and Yoo Youngjae without thinking about it, remembers the split-second look of panic in Youngjae’s eyes, remembers the way Youngjae had pulled him aside when the cameras were off, a hard expression on his face, and bluntly asked him if he had meant it, because if he had, then he would be better off never talking to Youngjae again.

Jaebeom _hadn’t_ meant it, though. He had reacted the way he always did when he felt like he was in danger of inadvertently revealing his deepest secret, because he couldn’t imagine anything more terrifying than the world finding out that he’s always looked at men just a little too long, a little too differently, for it to be acceptable. Because in his naive mind, he figured that if people thought he disapproved, they would never suspect that he himself lives that way. And Youngjae, though still hurt, had understood because, as he had explained, he knew the feeling well.

Jaebeom is still grateful for that conversation, the first solid evidence he ever received that he isn’t the only idol who experiences the kind of attraction he does. Since that day, he’s tried to be more careful, and though he’s slipped up a few times, he thinks he’s gotten better as the years have gone by.

Still, finding out that Jinyoung had been hurt by his carelessness without Jaebeom knowing is sobering, and he feels guilty all over again. “I’m sorry,” he says, his eyes stinging as he squeezes Jinyoung’s hand helplessly. “I-I made you feel unsafe.”

“A little,” Jinyoung says honestly, which only makes Jaebeom feel even more like crying. “You got better, though. And it helped that I learned how to see through you and your ways of coping.”

Jaebeom hangs his head, ashamed. “I’m still sorry. I know it’s not an excuse but - I was just so _scared_. If people found out - I didn’t think I could risk that happening.” It’s still something he fears now, not as much as he used to, but still enough for the mere thought of accidentally outing himself to send a chill down his spine. With Jinyoung, though, he thinks maybe it would be okay.

“I know,” Jinyoung says, rubbing Jaebeom’s hand with his thumb reassuringly, and Jaebeom wonders how he could possibly deserve someone so forgiving. “I know you, and I know what you’re like.”

“I wanted to tell you too, you know,” Jaebeom says, steering the conversation in a new direction. “All the time. I felt like it must have been obvious sometimes, considering every song I’ve ever written was inspired by you.”

Jinyoung lets out a soft laugh, light and teasing, and the mood lifts slightly. “So I make you feel like a teenager, Jaebeommie?”

“Don’t act like you didn’t immediately guess that I wrote that about you,” Jaebeom retorts with a smile, grateful for the lighthearted shift in atmosphere. There was really no one else the song could have been about - only Jinyoung has ever had the ability to reduce Jaebeom to a blushing teenager with an embarrassingly large crush. “ _Everything_ was about you, always for you.”

“Even the sad ones?” Jinyoung asks curiously.

“Every single one,” Jaebeom confirms. “All I had to do was imagine the day you decide you’ve had enough of me.”

“Then it’s a good thing that day is never going to come,” Jinyoung says firmly. “I could never get tired of you, hyung. I lo-” He breaks off, stumbling over the word, and for a moment, it seems like he’s not going to finish, but then he swallows and continues on, a new determination in his eyes. “I _love you_ too much.”

And they’ve said these same words to each other before, countless times, but it feels different now. This time, there are no cameras, no other members saying it too, no fans to hear it. This time, it’s just the two of them, looking at each other across the table, their hands still loosely linked together. This time, it feels wonderfully, unbearably _real_.

“I love you too,” Jaebeom whispers. “I love you so much, Jinyoung. And it terrifies me, everything I want with you.” Because he wants so much, _too_ much, too many things he can’t ever have, isn’t _allowed_ to have with Jinyoung. Because it would be one thing to feel this way about a random non-idol, or an idol in another group, or a woman - and those would all be tough to deal with, but not impossible. But this is Jinyoung, who’s an idol _and_ his group member _and_ a man, and that combination makes their circumstances all but hopeless.

“You know what’s even scarier?” Jinyoung asks, taking a deep breath. “I’m so - I feel _lost_ without you, hyung. I remember at the beginning of our first tour, when you weren’t there - I felt like I couldn’t _breathe_.” He looks at Jaebeom, anguished. “It’s not like I need you with me all the time, and it’s not like I can’t live without you. But everything feels harder when you’re not with me.”

“I’m not much better when you’re not there,” Jaebeom admits, and it does absolutely nothing to help their situation but at least Jinyoung knows that he’s not alone in this. “I said once that your existence makes me strong, and I meant it. Being without you - it’s like the whole world is on the verge of crumbling.”

And this is their tragedy, because when they’re without each other, the world collapses around them, but to be together, they would have to tear the world down themselves.

“Do you remember when we wrote ‘Don’t Wanna Know?’” Jinyoung asks suddenly.

Jaebeom nods, slightly confused but unable to stop the corners of his mouth from tugging upwards into a smile, in spite of everything. Many of his fondest memories are from that era of their lives - just the two of them, spending countless late nights in the studio, writing and reminiscing, falling asleep on each other’s shoulders in the early hours of the morning, recording and laughing together as they created the album that, out of all the albums Jaebeom has worked on, is still the one he’s proudest of. And that song in particular is special because it’s the only one they wrote entirely by themselves. “Of course. Why?”

Jinyoung smiles a little too, and Jaebeom knows he remembers those nights just as fondly. “You aren’t the only one who wrote all their songs about the person they were in love with. My inspiration was always you, too. Especially for that song.”

“‘I’m always afraid,’” Jaebeom quotes, his voice gentle. “‘How will I walk through this world without you?’” It’s a line that sticks out in his mind because it’s one of the lines they had both agreed on right away. And yes, he had been thinking of Jinyoung when he wrote it down, but it hadn’t crossed his mind that maybe Jinyoung was thinking of him too.

“‘Not yet, please don’t leave me,’” Jinyoung replies, the melody faintly shining though in his voice. “I don’t want you to leave me, hyung.” His voice is small, and Jaebeom hates seeing strong, confident Jinyoung so insecure, so uncertain.

“I don’t want to leave you,” he says automatically, leaning closer and wishing the table between them wasn’t there so he could close the space between them. “Never, Jinyoungie.”

Jinyoung exhales softly, like he’s relieved to hear it. “Without you, there’s no me,” he murmurs. He said the same thing once before, years ago - it had felt important then, and it feels even weightier now. “That’s why I chose to enlist earlier than I needed to, you know.”

“So we would be apart for the least possible amount of time,” Jaebeom realizes, and it’s a little ridiculous but his chest floods with warmth at the thought before logic returns to his brain. “To be honest, it’s actually probably _good_ for us that we have to separate for a while,” he says wryly. “So we can...get over this.” The words are bitter in his mouth, because he doesn’t _want_ to get over it. He just wants _Jinyoung_ , with him, forever.

“Will we, though?” Jinyoung asks. “ _Can_ we get over this, after twelve years?”

“Does it matter even if we can’t?” Jaebeom counters, because as much as he hates to point it out, it’s the truth: even if they were to still feel the same way after their two years apart, would they really be able to do anything about it?

“I mean, it comes down to one thing, in the end, doesn’t it?” Jinyoung says softly.

“And what’s that?” Jaebeom asks, his voice just as quiet.

“Whether or not we’re worth it to each other,” Jinyoung says, and the smile on his face is tinged with sadness and doesn’t reach his eyes. “We have to choose, don’t we?”

“We do,” Jaebeom says, wishing with every ounce of his being that they _didn’t_. It’s _unfair_ that they have to taste the bitterness of choosing between the group that’s their family and the relationship that has, in many ways, defined them since they were fifteen years old. And in his mind, he knows their careers have to come first, should be their priority, no matter what - but sitting across from Jinyoung, looking into the eyes he can’t hide anything from, that can’t hide anything from him either, that isn’t the choice he wants to make.

Because the fact is, Jinyoung _is_ worth it. Because Jaebeom would be willing to give up his career, his friends, his family, _everything_ if it meant he would have Jinyoung with him forever. And there’s nothing more terrifying than the realization that he’s so in love with someone that he would sacrifice everything else he has for the chance to spend the rest of their lives together.

“Hyung,” Jinyoung whispers, and he sounds so _young_ , vulnerable in a way that’s so unlike him. And suddenly they’re eighteen again, in the studio after being told that they would have to go back to being trainees, and Jinyoung is seeking out Jaebeom for comfort because only he could ever understand how it feels.

“Jinyoungie,” Jaebeom breathes, and their hands, still loosely intertwined on the table, grip each other more firmly, the way they have a hundred times before. “I - we just - you _know_ , don’t you?” He needs Jinyoung to say yes, to confirm that they both know this was always going to be an impossible choice because they want one thing and have an obligation to do the opposite. Because the problem, really, is that this isn’t just about what they want.

Jinyoung’s gaze doesn’t waver for a second, doesn’t cloud with confusion, because they don’t need words to understand exactly what the other is trying to say. “I know, hyung.”

“Me too,” Jaebeom says, and suddenly, all at once, the fact that this is the last time for at least two years that they’ll be able to meet like this settles over Jaebeom like an icy chill. And compared to the twelve years they’ve already had together, two years should be nothing, but it still seems unfathomably long.

Jinyoung seems to feel it too, because he exhales slowly and squeezes Jaebeom’s hand again. “Are you staying tonight?”

“I shouldn’t,” Jaebeom says, because even without saying anything aloud, they’ve already made their choice, and they should stick to it. But he’s utterly unconvinced by his own words, and he knows Jinyoung doesn’t believe him either.

So it isn’t surprising when they both stand up, their empty plates forgotten, and Jinyoung slowly pulls Jaebeom towards his room. And it isn’t surprising when Jaebeom finds himself with his back against Jinyoung’s pillows as Jinyoung crawls into his lap.

“This is crazy,” Jaebeom murmurs as Jinyoung’s lips trail across his eyelids, pressing against the twin moles that Jinyoung loves to admire. “After everything we just decided, doing this the night before we go our separate ways. Completely insane.”

“Maybe,” Jinyoung sighs, kissing the corner of Jaebeom’s mouth. “But don’t we deserve it? One night, after twelve years of holding back?” _Our_ last _night_ , he doesn’t say, but Jaebeom hears it anyway.

Maybe it’s the sensation of Jinyoung’s lips on his skin, or maybe it’s the unbearable ache in his chest, or maybe he’s just tired of depriving himself of the only thing he’s wanted for years. Whatever the reason, Jaebeom’s already-weakened resolve dissolves entirely. “Yeah,” he breathes, “we do deserve it.” And he finally does what he’s wanted to do for almost half his life: he cups Jinyoung’s face in his hands and finally, _finally_ captures Jinyoung’s lips with his own.

Because if they’re only going to get this one night together, then Jaebeom is going to take it and run. After years of craving, years of falling asleep dreaming of this very moment and lying awake wishing for it, he lets himself have this, lets himself get lost in Jinyoung’s touch, lets himself drown in Jinyoung’s kisses, lets himself forget that every moment they spend tangled in each other brings them closer to lighting the match that sends their world up in flames.

In the aftermath of twelve years of suppressed passion, after they’ve untangled themselves and freshened up, they settle down under the covers, Jinyoung’s head resting on Jaebeom’s shoulder as they lie side by side. Jaebeom brushes his lips along Jinyoung’s temple and sighs, his mind already running through every reason they shouldn’t have done what they just did.

Jinyoung, because Jinyoung always knows what he’s thinking, lifts a hand to stroke Jaebeom’s cheek gently. “Stop overthinking, hyung,” he says. “I don’t regret it. I’ll never regret getting to do this, just one time.”

Jaebeom swallows and nods, because he’ll never regret it either, but it’s slowly sinking in that this was the first and last time he’ll ever get to have this, and suddenly, he can’t breathe. “Jinyoung,” he chokes out. “I-I don’t know if I can go through with this.”

“What?” Jinyoung asks, and Jaebeom knows him well enough to know that it’s taking all of Jinyoung’s acting abilities for him to keep his voice steady. “What can’t you go through with?”

“I can’t - it feels like I’m making the wrong choice,” Jaebeom confesses. “I can’t do it. I thought I was choosing between my future and you, but I look at you and see everything I want for the rest of my life, because you _are_ my future. I would regret choosing _anything_ over you.” This is exactly what he wrote “Find You” about, he realizes suddenly - being faced with this decision and not choosing Jinyoung.

“Hyung,” Jinyoung whispers, tears springing up in his eyes. “That’s what - of course I want to choose you too.”

“But we _can’t_ ,” Jaebeom croaks out, trying to remind both Jinyoung and himself that they already made their choice when they allowed themselves one night to say goodbye. But maybe that was a miscalculation on their part because now that Jaebeom has had a taste, he’s not going to be able to give Jinyoung up that easily. He lifts his hand to cup Jinyoung’s face, his thumb trembling a little as he brushes it reverently across Jinyoung’s lips. “This _can’t_ be the wrong choice. We can’t throw it all away, it would be too selfish. It’s unfair to our fans to only think about ourselves.”

Jinyoung closes his eyes at Jaebeom’s touch, exhaling shakily. “Isn’t it unfair of them to expect us to always only think about them?” he asks. “We’ve spent all these years putting our own needs to the side. Can’t we make one choice just for ourselves?”

Jaebeom’s heart aches, because he so badly wants to give in to Jinyoung’s words, needs Jinyoung by his side so desperately that he doesn’t want to care about the consequences. But he has to. “It isn’t just about us, Jinyoungie,” Jaebeom says heavily. “We have to think about the whole group, too. How can we ruin everything they’ve worked so hard for?”

Unexpectedly, Jinyoung smiles ever-so-slightly at that. “You know,” he says softly, smoothing out the crease between Jaebeom’s eyebrows with his finger, “you really are the best leader we could have asked for. You always think about the good of the group before anything else. I’ve always admired that about you.”

Despite the seriousness of their predicament, Jaebeom’s heart floods with warmth as he covers Jinyoung’s hand with his and pulls it towards his mouth to kiss Jinyoung’s knuckles lightly. “Never stopped you from giving me a hard time,” he says, but he isn’t being serious - he’s never been bothered by Jinyoung’s teasing and they both know it.

“I would have stopped if I thought you actually cared, hyung,” Jinyoung says easily. “But even the fact that you let us be like that with you, that you trusted us enough, says a lot.”

“You’re all my family,” Jaebeom says, because it really is as simple as that. “You most of all. But that’s exactly why we can’t - why I don’t want to tear down everything the group has built, just for the two of us. It would be unforgivable.”

“Then what are we supposed to do?” Jinyoung asks, and he sounds as heartbroken as Jaebeom feels, but more than that, he sounds heart-wrenchingly _tired_. “Stay miserable for the sake of the group until we all decide to retire?”

Jaebeom sighs, playing with Jinyoung’s fingers distractedly. “I just don’t know what else we can do.”

“Maybe...we should just wait to decide,” Jinyoung says carefully. “Meet again after we’ve finished our service and decide what to do then.”

“Why should we decide tomorrow today?” Jaebeom says with a wry laugh, and it gets a smile out of Jinyoung too, which, in spite of everything, still has Jaebeom’s heart racing. And it admittedly sounds appealing to wait, but the reality is that they both need some kind of closure sooner rather than later. “I wish we could put it off, but I think we need to decide now. Especially after tonight.”

Jinyoung is silent for a few moments before he speaks hesitantly. “We could - we could just tell them.” Jaebeom stares at him, taken aback. “The members, I mean. It might be a little, I don’t know, sudden for them, maybe, but I think - I think they have their suspicions. I think they wouldn’t be that surprised.”

“That could ruin us even more,” Jaebeom says slowly. “If one of them doesn’t like it, the group is done for good.”

“They would have two years to get used to the idea,” Jinyoung reasons. “But I-I want to trust that they’ll support us. Do you really think any of them would, you know, hate us because of this?”

Jaebeom wants to say no, wants to believe that of course the five people who make him who he is and who he loves most in the world would accept them, but the truth is he doesn’t know. “I don’t think so,” he finally says. “But we still need to be careful.”

“I know,” Jinyoung sighs. “I think we should consider it, though. And it’s not like we’re saying we want to break off and only be JJ Project from now on. This isn’t about the group or our careers - it’s the rest of our lives. All of us will eventually have to choose between a significant other and GOT7, at least to some extent. Our choice is just...a little more extreme.”

“Jinyoung, are you _sure_?” Jaebeom asks, because this would mean risking everything, but he’ll do it if that’s what Jinyoung truly wants. Because he would do anything for Jinyoung, and Jinyoung would do anything for him, and maybe it’s poetic justice that they built their careers together and they’ll tear them down together too. “If we do this, that’s it. We can’t take it back, ever. The kids will know, and eventually everyone will know, and we - we shouldn’t resent each other if things don’t, you know, go the way we want.”

“Jaebeom-hyung,” Jinyoung says, and his eyes are shining with unshed tears again. “I’m _in love_ with you. I’ve been sure about you since I was eighteen, and I’m never going to want to take it back. I’ll choose whatever you choose in the end, of course I won’t do anything without you, but - and maybe this sounds bad - but I won’t ever regret having you, even if it means I have to ruin my career for good. I can find another job, but I’m never going to find another you.”

Jaebeom gazes at him for a few moments, his eyes tearing up too as he drinks Jinyoung in. And he can’t think of anything to do except to kiss Jinyoung, so that’s what he does, pressing their lips together gently like he’s sealing a promise. “I wouldn’t regret it either,” he whispers against Jinyoung’s mouth. “Never. I could never resent you, even if the whole world turns its back on us.” For the first time, he feels like maybe it isn’t a bad thing to love someone more than anything else.

Jinyoung smiles at him when they pull apart, a tiny but breathtaking little tug of his lips that makes it impossible for Jaebeom to have any regrets. His eyes are still a little watery, and Jaebeom has always been acutely aware of how attractive Jinyoung is, but in this moment, he can’t remember Jinyoung ever looking more beautiful. “Then this doesn’t have to be our ending,” Jinyoung says, his tone hopeful for the first time tonight. “We’ll have to wait two years, but at the end of them -”

“We’ll have each other,” Jaebeom finishes, brushing a stray tear off Jinyoung’s cheek. “But we won’t necessarily have the group, or the fans, or anything else. Is that - would I be enough for you?”

“Are you really asking that?” Jinyoung asks, kissing Jaebeom again. “You’re always enough. You know you are. And I think we’ll find our way back, somehow, if we’re together.”

Jaebeom kisses him back, once, twice, over and over, his mind overflowing with love for the man in front of him, and his heart doesn’t hurt so much anymore. When they separate, Jaebeom doesn’t move his hands from where they’ve settled on Jinyoung’s hips, gently stroking the skin there. “You are...everything. I’m so in love with you, Jinyoung.”

“When you touch me?” Jinyoung says with a teasing little lopsided grin that Jaebeom wants to kiss off his face, so he does, and afterwards, Jinyoung laughs breathlessly. “That song was about me too, right?”

“You know it was,” Jaebeom says, shaking his head even though his mind is entirely clouded with affection. “But it was a little inaccurate, since I’m in love with you all the time.”

“And you already know everything about me,” Jinyoung says warmly. “You don’t need to touch me for that.”

“I didn’t know everything until today,” Jaebeom says regretfully, stroking Jinyoung’s cheek. “I wish I had.” A thought strikes him and he lets out a quiet laugh. “I guess I do have a complaint about you after all.” Jinyoung smiles a little too, shaking his head in mock exasperation, and Jaebeom presses on insistently. “Really! I don’t want you to hide your pain from me anymore, Jinyoungie. I want to know, so I can be there for you.”

“Okay,” Jinyoung says, pressing a sweet kiss to Jaebeom’s palm. “Okay. I promise I won’t hide anything from you.” He takes a deep breath and looks into Jaebeom’s eyes intently. “There’s something I want us to do, but I don’t know if you’ll agree.”

“We just _did_ something,” Jaebeom points out, unable to resist teasing him, his fingers dancing along Jinyoung’s waist. “Do you need me to remind you?”

“Hyung,” Jinyoung pouts, which isn’t the reaction Jaebeom was expecting - Jinyoung usually gives as good as he gets, is never caught without a retort on the tip of his tongue - but then again, he also loves attention, Jaebeom’s attention specifically, and he knows he’ll get it by being cute.

So, of course, Jaebeom complies. “Jinyoungie,” he returns, kissing Jinyoung’s nose.

“I’m being serious,” Jinyoung says, his tone bordering on a whine.

“I know,” Jaebeom says, smiling. “What do you want to do?”

“Well,” Jinyoung starts, “Part of the reason we’re so scared to go through with this is because of the fans, right? Because of how they’ll react if we suddenly spring the news on them?”

“Right,” Jaebeom says slowly, unsure of where Jinyoung is going with this.

“I want to post a picture,” Jinyoung explains. “To kind of, I don’t know, get them used to the fact that, well, none of us are going to be single forever.”

“You mean a picture of us?” Jaebeom asks, slightly bewildered that Jinyoung would take such a huge leap in the exact opposite direction of the caution they’ve just agreed they need to exercise.

“Obviously not of _us_ ,” Jinyoung says, shaking his head. He reaches across Jaebeom to grab his phone from the nightstand and opens his gallery before holding it out for Jaebeom to see. “This one.”

It’s a picture from earlier in the night that Jinyoung must have taken before they stated eating. The main focus is the table and the food, but the silhouette of the person sitting across from Jinyoung is obvious. Jaebeom has to admit, though - if he hadn’t known that the person in the picture is himself, he wouldn’t have been able to tell who Jinyoung was with.

It’s still risky to post, but Jaebeom knows that Jinyoung is set on this, knows he won’t be able to stop Jinyoung from going through with it. “Okay,” he says. “Do it.”

“Really?” Jinyoung blinks at him, looking a little surprised. “I thought you’d protest more.”

“I probably should,” Jaebeom says, which is true. “But honestly? I’m tired of protesting.” He brushes a few kisses along Jinyoung’s hairline softly. “We’ve considered everything that needs to be considered and we both still think this is worth it. And I think it’s actually a pretty good idea. No details, but it gets them a little more comfortable with the idea of us being in relationships. It’s probably better than dumping everything on them all at once.”

“And it gives them time,” Jinyoung adds. “They can process it and get used to it, and when we come back -”

“We hope that we’re coming back to a kinder world,” Jaebeom finishes softly. “A world that will accept us. One we won’t ever have to hide each other from.”

“Yeah,” Jinyoung agrees, his smile gentle. “And even if we don’t, I think we’ll figure it out.” And Jaebeom can’t do anything but smile back.

Jinyoung posts the picture with a caption that just says _Annyeong ♡_. Jaebeom loves it, because most people will probably interpret it as a goodbye, a reminder that Jinyoung is going away tomorrow, but _he_ knows that it’s really a hello - a greeting to usher in a new era of their lives. It’s clever, as Jinyoung always is, and Jaebeom wishes he could leave a comment in response or even just like it, but that would be too obvious, would defeat the purpose of the intentional anonymity of the picture.

Instead, he posts something of his own later, after Jinyoung has fallen asleep. He takes several shots of Jinyoung, bathed in the moonlight spilling through the window and falling across his face, but those are for Jaebeom alone. The picture he chooses to upload is less revealing, but still telling: he captures their hands, illuminated only by the moon, hidden under the sheets but obviously intertwined. He’s proud of it, pleased with how he was able to find a way to reveal some of the story, but not too much. The implications are clear, but it’s impossible to tell whose hands they are.

When he’s satisfied with his work, he posts it, and with that, he puts his phone aside and finally curls himself around Jinyoung to enjoy their last - no, their _first_ \- night together. They have two long years ahead of them to get through and probably even more years of difficulties to endure beyond that, but tonight they have each other, and for now, that’s enough.

And he falls asleep with Jinyoung in his arms and the lyrics of the song he used to caption his picture in his mind, words he first wrote about Jinyoung years ago, words that say everything that needs to be said now.

_Even if the waves of time take you away_

_I won’t be shaken_

_I won’t forget you_.

**Author's Note:**

> I've been talking about writing this for a couple of months now, and I finally finished it! Thank you to @jjpholic_got7 on Twitter for first giving me the idea to write something about this!
> 
> I wanted this to be angsty but I think by the end it really wasn't, so I'm sorry about that if you wanted something heavier asdkjsdfakl but in my defense! a) I hate writing angst and b) I literally am incapable of making JJP be unhappy rip !!
> 
> To clarify, I chose 2021 as the year because I remember seeing something a while ago that said that's the year they'll enlist, idk how accurate that was but I just went with it. I want to stress that Jaebeom's justification for his homophobic comments doesn't at all reflect my own views (as a non-straight person myself I was thoroughly disappointed by him) - I think it was gross and unacceptable, but my hope is that he's educated himself since then and is learning from his mistakes. Also Jinyoung's thoughts about Jus2 are also a fabrication - I'm sure there wasn't any kind of bitterness there! And finally, the point of this is that the choice they had to make here is a nearly impossible one, and by making them choose each other, I'm not trying to diminish the importance of GOT7 to them. Please don't take this as me saying they only care about each other or anything - this is a work of fiction, after all!
> 
> The title is a lyric from "Don't Wanna Know" by JJ Project, and the songs referenced throughout this fic are "Teenager" by GOT7, "Don't Wanna Know" by JJ Project, "Touch" by Jus2, and "Find You" by JJ Project (the last one is where the lyrics for Jaebeom's caption are from too) I recommend all of them!
> 
> Thank you to my sister for editing you're always the bomb!
> 
> And last but definitely not least, thank you to all my readers for reading and supporting my writing, it means everything to me! Comments and feedback are always appreciated, and I hope you enjoyed this! :)


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